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Oct. 1st, 2010

(no subject)

I suppose this may be a long time coming.  Lately life has finally caught up with me.  Not because I am still consulting in the medical field, but for the sole purpose that at one point I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It now seems though that isn't the case.  The rules are forever changing and the more I try to meet the requirements, the more the circumstances change.  

We would like to believe that we have the ability to make things happen but we don't.  My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for nearly 2 years. Between fertility treatments and charting, temperature taking and side effects. It's taking a toll on me and I am not sure I really was ready for these side effects.  Thus far we've not been successful.  But I'm not so sure now is the right time to even think about another baby.  Although I admit I am jealous of women who get pregnant so easily but I cannot.  Not entirely sure it's my " fault" figuring out that the odds are quite against us

I am about a year away from graduating for the first time with the new degree.  However I still have a long way to go before it's finally over.  I am not sure what I am going to do with it yet, but it was something that interested me at the time.  And not to mention someone encouraged me to go into the field of forensic anthropology. I am now leaning more toward medical anthropology.  

Some days I try to remember to breathe because that's all I really can do.  It's hard sometimes.  There are some days I want to cry and breakdown.  I am back on the Ambien because I'm not sleeping.  As you can see it's 12:43 in the morning and I am still awake.  It's complicated sometimes because there are days I wish I could crawl into a corner and hope for the best, and other days I come out with a shield and spear in hand, ready to take on the world.  Most days I want to get what I need to get done and just spend the rest of my time the way I want to. Maybe read a great book or call a friend.  Do we ever keep up? Are we supposed to keep up? Or do we fight this and we will never achieve this.  I find myself fighting against the grain sometimes, and it doesn't really work out.  Sometimes it really is easier to just go with the flow.  However, there are days I want to question everything.  Why things are the way they are. Not just blindly accepting the results or the consequences.  Help is a great thing, but not everyone is willing to give it.  Maybe because we can't stop to give a little, or our lives are so busy.  Even I get busy, and then I still manage to say yes to everything.  But there's a price to pay for that too.  You have to give a little to get a little.  Balance.

So I suppose I am at the point for the yin and yang.  Give and take.  All about balance right?  What we have is what we have, but we always want more or things we wish we could have but can't.  Always out of reach.  Always trying to fight for more, fight for our lives...our hopes and dreams.  I have been in school now for 2 years and it's a bit hard for me to return.  The age gap I think is what's killing me, but along the way I've met some great people and befriended a few as well.  I want to keep doing this.  I want to keep opening my heart up and I want to live.  I use twitter, and I've met some remarkable people there. 

So now I'm just really trying to remember to breathe, and that it's okay if I'm not perfect.  It's okay that I don't have all the answers and it's okay to be who I am.  It's okay to get hurt and to feel good about myself.  I know I need to work on quite a bit, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

Jun. 17th, 2009

Pic of laura

My girl at the party

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


(no subject)

We had a miscarriage a few days ago and while it was still early I am still handling depression which I assume is still the hormonal high.

My hubby is semi supportive but I think he wants things back to normal. I am trying.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


May. 27th, 2009

Feel Like Hell

Of course there's a chance I could be pregnant. I had some violent nausea this morning waking up. That was quite nasty and I had it bad when I was pregnant with Laura. I have a feeling that if I am pregnant, this one won't be a walk in the park. Thank goodness for good health insurance. lol... there are only 3 people right now (aside from my husband) who know that there's a chance, even in it's smallest, that I am pregnant... I had to tell my mom yesterday, and she seemed "okay" with it. She's more worried about me leaving my job in a few weeks and going to school and how it's all going to fall into place, but we'll do okay.

May. 19th, 2009


If you're not married yet, share this with a friend.. If you are
married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults are not really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.

You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together. Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

Question: What keeps a relationship strong?

Answer: Communication, intimacy (not sex), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email. Growth is important.

Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interests. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each others family situation. Respect his or her parents
regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material goods.
Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing,
the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse,
neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion. "Nurture
your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think."

The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8.

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight? Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary..

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the 'I'

May. 18th, 2009

Keep Moving Forward

Summer is just around the corner and for most of us that live where I do, it's already here. Myself, well living here for most of my life, it still takes it's toll on me. I don't mind the mild winters, but these summer season seems to come faster in the  year moreso than it did some years back, however; I do believe that global warming does have something to do with that.

I saw my last few blogs and they weren't positive and some were short updates. This one is a little different I think.

I did pass both of my classes for the semester, which I was concerned about because if any of you know me, I'm an overachiever. A perfectionist. I cannot handle getting anything less than an A. I'm ok with a B, but A is better. However, in these circumstances with the two classes I finished, I did achieve an A in one and  B in the other. I'm grateful that I was able to be a mom and was still able to do that. I had a lot of fun, and I met a few people that I've befriended.

I am quite relieved it's over for now. I get a small reprieve and then I go back in July for four weeks. But the break is very much welcomed.

In some aspects I've been contending with family-related issues. For respect of my family I will not discuss or divulge personal information, however, it's been a challenge and as a family unit we've amazingly come together and we are overcoming it.

I want to say to those people who've tried to call me the last few weeks, I promise in the next week I will call you back. I was a bit worried about my final exams. To top that off my Palm Treo's hard drive finally passed away and I had to move on to an iPhone. Trust me, this particular phone is a bit more complex than I bargained for. It does do what I want it to and according to Apple, they are releasing an upgrade to the phone sometime in mid-June. I do like the phone for the most part, of course it's not my Treo, but I'm negotiating on trying to attain the most out of this particular "smartphone".

Thank you for those people who've supported me and were patient with me the last 16 weeks when I was in class. I appreciated it very much.

So I will leave you with this...

Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long.
We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and trying new things…
and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."

~Walt Disney~

Apr. 15th, 2009

I'm sick

Just to let you know I'm sick. I had a series of asthma attacks over a period of three days and the Xopenex inhaler is not doing very well for me anymore. I see my doc at 3pm today I'll let you know how it goes.

Apr. 7th, 2009

Missing and Rememberance

Tonight, I miss my grandmother very much. On the 15th of May it will be 8 years without her. Again, my only regret was not having Laura while she was still earth-bound. And again, she is part of my "Justice League". As the anniversary of her passing comes closer I always have all these bittersweet emotions and miss her more than any word can describe.

I've been able to find someone I've lost in my life for so long. We talk as if the time has never passed us and our lives are on the same parallel universe.

At this time of day, in the twilight, there is no wind. At this time there is only power.
     - Don Juan to Carlos Castaneda

Mar. 26th, 2009

2 of 2 for myspace blog

Friday, November 09, 2007 

I can't believe it's after 11pm and I am still not in bed.  Typical.  I can't remember the last time I was in bed before 1 or 2 in the morning.  I think that comes with being a parent, friend and daughter. 

I started my day by going to physical therapy.  For those of you who didn't hear... I fell and did some damage to my left knee.  I went to search for a holy grail-type birthday present for my mother, which obviously didn't work out as I cannot find anything for her.  She says she's not hard to shop for, but I believe she is.  At some point in the middle of my day I managed to eat and thank God that the guy behind me stopped and didn't hit my car.  I am still dealing with the accident from August.  I did however, manage to buy some presents for Laura for her birthday and of course Christmas (that's coming faster than I can count). 

I am watching TV while writing this.  I find myself eating dinner (chicken soup, good stuff!) before midnight.  That's a big plus.  That's even if I manage to eat dinner.  But... as I think about all the negative that happened in my day I think of this..... I wouldn't trade the moments I just had laying next to my daughter watching Dragon Tales and singing... as we walked through Tuesday Morning (store) we were saying the "hush wish" from Sprout Goodnight Show...

"Hush, Hush, little fish, we are here to make a wish, we close our eyes and then we start, to make a wish with all our hearts."

From there we sung the goodnight song.. (in the middle of the afternoon mind you and of course all the people in the store thought we were crazy.. me and my Laura) "Hey, okay we had another fantastic day and now it's time to say... Goodnight, because we've got places to go, bubbles to blow, stories to share and dreams to grow... Goodnight.. Goodnight.. Goodnight........

I also wouldn't trade the snuggle moments on the couch we had earlier.... and I can't really remember my life without Laura in it... Yes, it's crazy when my day starts at 6am and ends after midnight... but ... then again.... I wouldn't trade it for anything at all.......because she truly is the most wonderful gift I've ever been given.    I can't top that.....

I also want to say to my sister: dear.. never worry... I'm always here for you too!  I will try my best to do what I can for you... Thank you for all your advice today...I never realized how much people really need to just sit down and talk from their heart... and we all should.. sometimes we get so wrapped up in life we forget what brought us all together in the first place.  I lost sight of that, and you reminded me of that..  Thank you!

To all of you out there... it's important to remember to tell the people you love that you do love and care for them.... because you really don't know when you will see them again... it may be the last moment... always remember if they are your friends... you aren't bothering them... just call them once in a while to catch up and talk.. it will make you feel better..

So Goodnight....

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.
     - Thomas Fuller, 1608 - 1661

For when the One Great Scorer comes
  to mark against your name,
He writes - not that you won or lost
  - but how you played the Game.
     - Grantland Rice, 1880 - 1954

Current mood:  blessed

Happy Holidays to everyone! 

Now that seems to be out of the way... I'm going nuts.. someone needs to commit me to the funny farm! 

Seems to me that the holidays become more chaotic as I get older.. or as they years pass.  I can't determine which.  And I stand there and think "at what point did I lose control?"  or "Did I even have control in the first place?"  Makes you wonder.  :)  Anyhow...

I keep waking up with headaches in the morning, I attribute that to the weather changes as my asthma has been kinda bad lately.  Probably need to go see a specialist.. BUT.. you know me.. I'm stubborn... go figure.. I make the worst patient.  I wonder why?  Too many years in the medical field.

I'm still doing the same thing.. I still work for Pediatrix Medical Group.  YAY.  Can't complain I only usually work Monday morning and that's it.  Once in a while I will go in for someone if they have something they need to do.  (I'm nice like that)  

My daughter is at the top of the stairs and I can see her from where I'm sitting.  She has this quiet whine that she's beconing me to come pick her up.  Although I keep telling her "Come down Laura Cate" she still continues her quiet pleas.  I will give in.  She's getting so big and she's catching on to all this stuff.  I think children in general are way more advanced, although I have to say my little one is very sympathetic /empathetic to other people as well.  I think she's like me.  I care about the human spirit. 

Ok so I'm still searching for some presents for some people.. yeah that's easy huh?  Anyone feel that way raise your hand!...... Man.. it's like searching for a needle in a haystack.  And let me tell you, the more I have to go out to shop the more aggressive I feel I'm becoming because I go to a dozen stores because I'm searching for that "ONE GIFT"  ooookay folks... and then I have to wait for others, and my patience, I admit, is thining. 

Today.. I am the laundry queen!  TA-DA!  I am commited to doing all the laundry by this evening.. (it's realistic right?) hahahaha it's ok.. I figure over the weekend I'll get it all straightened out.....

Until then my friends and family.. Hugs to all of you.  Stay well and if I don't get a chance before to write again.. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

We tend not to choose the unknown, which might be a shock or a disappointment or simply a little difficult to cope with. And yet it is the unknown with all its disappointments and surprises that is the most enriching.
     - Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1906 - 2001


I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know who his grandson will be.
     - Abraham Lincoln, 1809 - 1865

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 

Current mood:  scared
For those of you who don't know what that is.. it is a staph infection in the tissues of your skin. I had a small cut and it became infected in 24hrs and my right shoulder, neck and chest are all infected.  I am running a fever. The only reason why my doctor didn't hospitalize me is because I'm due to see her again tomorrow morning. She walked in and gasped and said "Oh my God." When she saw the infection.  I've had an antibiotic injection and I'm getting another one tomorrow. I'm very swollen and sore. the area is red and they've drawn a marker around it to see if it's spreading.  Again this started yesterday but was worse today.  I've had blood drawn and they are going to see what my white count is... Yep folks I'm pretty scared.. I'll keep you updated as it's going.


Thursday, February 21, 2008 

Current mood:  exhausted
My doctor and I have agreed on a course of treatment. At this point it's not getting any better... and we have agreed that tomorrow morning if it's not better or the infection is not somewhat clearing ... I will be admitted to the hospital. 

Thank you for those of you who have been supportive...

This morning I went back for a checkup I had an IV and some fluids another shot of antibiotics and was sent home. Later today we discussed at that point if this infection site does not look any better or I do not feel better.. I will be admitted.  At this point my mom and dad are helping me care for Laura along with Carl.. who so kindly took a day off from teaching to help me... :)  Gotta love him.

I am now running a low grade fever and I am exhasted because my body is trying to fight this off....

Thanks to everyone..

Saturday, February 23, 2008 
For those of you this is annother update. I had surgery yesterday evening to remove a mass that became infected. Which caused the cellulitis. It's not cancer.. thank God. I am doing much better. My family and friends are helping me greatly! 

Thanks to everyone who prayed and cared for me..


Monday, February 25, 2008 

Current mood:  blessed
I am doing good.  Starting to have less pain really. My daughter is home again. I missed her so much. I did take the dressing off the wound yesterday and it's healing well. I saw my doctor today and she was happy to see that the cellulitis is getitng better.  I am taking a lot of meds, but I am feeling a lot better compared to a week ago. 

Kristi I will try to get on skype when I'm better :)  thanks for your wishes.. I miss talking with you. 

My family is helping me a lot with all of this. I don't know what I would do without them. My parents helped me care for my daughter while Carl and James cared for me.  I am getting some strength back, but as much as I want to get back to my daily life.. my body is saying "eh better take it easy" and I want this to heal well. :)

Thanks everyone.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008 
I had the checkup from the surgeon today. Everything is healing well. However there is scar tissue around the site that has to soften and disappear. If it doesn't within the next 3 months, it has to be removed surgically. Hence, more surgery.

On to happy things... I am feeling much better. Almost to my normal self. If there is a "normal" self for me.

I see all of my pictures disappearing from my walls as I am packing them to move. Before I went to the hospital, I came across my grandparents wedding pictures. My grandmother was just breathtaking in her wedding gown. You could tell she was nervous marrying my grandfather. She was beautiful. The pictures are black and white, but I have one of the original photos from their wedding, it's of them and their attendees.  Throughout their marriage they faced many problems.  My grandmother almost died giving birth to my mom. I have other pictures of her and how remarkable she was. God knows there isn't a day that I don't think of her.. or miss her desperately.  I may be selfish wanting her here still, but the pictures are the world to me. Even now, I still cry. But, in all of this.. my grandparents were married for almost 53 years of their life. I can only hope the same....

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been."

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 
Random thoughts:

I feel alone sometimes. And yet I feel as if I am loved and part of my family.

I sometimes want more and yet feel fullfilled and I have enough in my life.

I expect the unexpected and yet I expect nothing.

I yearn for peace yet, I cannot attain peace in my life.

I have friends and want to meet more people.

I am always tired and sleep so little yet I have energy to wake with my daughter to another adventure.

I want to be somewhere else sometimes and then again I like it here because my family is here.

I am excited for the summer and looking forward to traveling, but yet I know when I step on the plane to board, I will miss my daughter so bad that I will turn toward the window and tears will be coming down quietly praying to God that I will see her again and do anything to make it home safe.  My whole family.

I want to take care of myself and exercise more, and yet at the end of the day I know that my energy will be depleated, but it’s a good thing.

These are my thoughts for the day....

Friday, March 14, 2008 
I really don’t have a lot of profound things to say today. I had a pretty good day alltogether. I sat and talked with my dad tonight, which I think in itself is fantastic. I always enjoy talking with my father.

I’m doing good. I really cannot complain anywhere.

I’m still packing. I’m coming across different things. I packed my entire china cabinet, which I have not only some of my grandmother’s things, I have my great grandmother’s china. Some of which consists of teacups. I have collected teacups too along the way. But hers came from Italy....where she was born.

Why is it that time escapes us? Why is it that we desire more of it to do more things or to spend more of it with our loved ones? Why do we depend on it so much? Why are we left searching for it in our life? I believe that we will never have enough "time" in our life. I also believe we made the concept of time what it is now. We depend on it to keep us grounded and organized. However, I do believe that we can utilize it the way we need to.

"What is a thousand years? Time is short for one who thinks, endless for one who yearns."
     Alain (Émile-Auguste Chartier), 1868 - 1951

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 

Current mood:  sympathetic
Hello to all.  I hope all is going well for you. 

I am doing great. Still packing to move. Can't wait really. I am so excited about my new house! And it is beautiful. I think. :)  Anyhow... I am preparing to go to Oklahoma to see Matty next month. He's graduating HS. Oh well, I guess I don't feel that young anymore... more change huh?

I was driving today down by the university (UNLV) yeah it's a great place. Slow traffic, people crossing the street begging to get hit.. it's fantastic. Anyhow I was down there and took a street back (for those of you who live here I took Maryland Pkwy to Russell) and the county some few years back bought some houses that were near the airport. In fact they bought 2 large neighborhoods full of houses.  These houses were ultimately destroyed. They were torn down because it was to may way for airport construction, a parking lot and they moved Russell road over about a mile to the north. I was sitting on the street at the intersection and just thought that this was someone's house at one time.  Someone got married here, someone had brought their first child home from here. And there is nothing for them to drive by or show their children where they grew up.  Granted, I may have put too much thought into this, however I believe we've changed this city so badly that there is no more history to this place. I've been here for a while, and I'm saddened because even though we make room for progress and it brings change and such, there is someone who was forced to sell their home because of greeed and progression. I think that bothers me most. Change doesn't always bring great things. It also destroys people's lives. And though those people were forced to sell and move, who is to say they didn't find something better.

I leave you with this:

The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order.
     - Alfred North Whitehead, 1861 - 1947

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 
Hi to you guys.  Last week was very crazy for me.  My dad had surgery and had to stay in the hospital overnight.  We're waiting for the pathology results to come back to determine whether there was cancerous cells or not.  I pray it's not.  Is it ok to want to kill your mom?  She drove me nuts all last week.  I guess in some way she wanted control of a situation she just couldn't have control over.  She really didn't listen to the doctor when he came out to talk to us after the surgery was over. 

As for me, I'm packing this house up. I'd have to say about 80 percent of it is done.  All that's really left now is some things and what we're using.  I'm actually happy to be leaving here.  We had a good time but it's better that things change.  I like the next house we are moving into.  We started moving things in already. 

My allergies are bothering me.  It's really bad.  The wind is bad so of course this is the time of year everything is growing. 

As far as Laura is concerned, she's doing great.  Growing, learning, and a handful as ever.

Mankind is not a circle with a single center but an ellipse with two focal points of which facts are one and ideas the other.
     - Victor Hugo, 1802 - 1885

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 

Current mood:  sad

I remember

What you looked like and the details of your face

How majestic you held yourself

How beautiful you were and still are


What your house smelled like

A mixture of fresh flowers and delicious food

And you were always baking something


How your voice carried when you spoke

And how you told me "Nancy I won't live forever"

I was 9 years old and didn't understand mortality


I remember this day 7 years ago….

I stayed with you the whole day and into the night

Sitting with you and praying for your pain to leave you

When you turned to me and said "Nancy I want to go home".

I remember seeing you one last time and saying goodnight to you…. Not knowing that would be the last time I saw you.

I did take you home that night.


I remember….

Receiving a phone call early the next morning telling me you had gone home to God.

I remember how devastated I was…

I knew you had to return home


I will remember you forever grandma

I hope you are looking down on us and my little girl

I will forever love you


7 years ago tomorrow, will be my grandmother's anniversary date of her passing.  I will be on an airplane to Tulsa.  I wrote this for her.  I love her so much.  Also on Monday was the 8th year my Aunt Joan has been gone.  I miss her too.

Monday, July 21, 2008 
My immortal beloved... we have so many people that pass through our lives and we so very much want to keep them with us.  In my life I call them the imortal beloved. 

I'm reading a book called "Breaking Back" by James Blake.  For those of you who don't know who that is, he's a tennis player.  I've had the opportunity to see him play three seperate times.  I was also fortunate because he signed a tennis ball for me, my brother and my brother's friend when he was here in 2007 playing in a tournament here.  He's a great guy in person and one awe-inspiring tennis player.  In some years of events he had through his life, he lost his father.  But called him his Superman.  However he was not immortal, but in his life he always will be.

I have a few immortal beloved people in my life.... and two of them are my grandmother and my father.  Both of them have come through this life and stronger for it... and though my grandmother lost her battle to cancer 7 years ago, she was still one of the strongest person I've seen face it.  My daughter and my husband are a given. 

I've met many people.. some of them famous.. such as James Cameron and Josh Groban... all of them are inspiring to humanity.  However, my immortal beloved people are not so famous or well known.... but I'm blessed to have them with me always... they make my life richer for knowing who they are and loving them.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 

Current mood:  pensive
Parents don't always know what they're doing.  Just because they are adults does not mean they know what's right.  In fact some adults are wrong most of the time.  That's a profound statement to me.  I think more because it's accurate.  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  I think that may be true.  There are days I think that I was not ready or really supposed to be a mom.  There are days I question my "mother" abilities.

Today I had a bit of a hard day.  Emotionally I am just drained.  There are many things I am contending with and I think it's taking it's toll on me.  I just don't talk about it to many people.  They too are striving and surviving their own life.  I don't like to bother others with my own issues.  I wonder why that is?  We as humanity, we have others with same interests we call others "friends" and yet we don't turn to these people when we need to talk.  Maybe it's because we don't want to even fathom the thought we are just as vulnerable.  Maybe we want to think we are above that and evolution is driving us to be better.  We will never achieve the perfection status, but we all try.  "We hate in others, what we fear in ourselves."  That's crazy to think that, but it's true too.   

They say that we are our wost critics.  I think that's true.  I can be so hard on myself because I expect more out of me than I do anyone else.  Is that wrong?  I think that's true for all of us.  Sometimes I know I should stop and take a breath because truly I can't save the world.  Although, I do try to save the world.. Everyone in my life.  I try to be there for those who need me or want me.  I can be anything and nothing all in one.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 
I despise parents that send their kids to school sick.  I'm not talking about elementary kids because parents know better.. I'm talking about the middle and high school kids who know their sick and go to school or their parents say "SUCK IT UP!?" and send their kids to school sick... WHY?  because they've already  missed too many days and school has just started????  Figure this great mystery out....  They would rather do this.. infect the entire class.. hell the entire school... instead of stopping where it started... with the kid... Why you ask do I think this way?

Because my husband whom is a school teacher... one of his kids came to school sick.  Passed it to my husband who passed it to my daughter... and hence I'm now the proud owner of bronchitis and a right ear infection with a fever and exhaustion.. how do you like those apples? 

SO THANKS MOM!!! FOR SENDING YOUR KID TO SCHOOL SICK!!  Because I would rather spend my time ill like this.. than YOU taking responsibility.

And for those of you in college, you know better, don't go to school and get your professor sick either.. that's just common sense.

Friday, September 26, 2008 

Current mood:  exhausted
I have spoken to my doctor about every day this week.  I am on a new medicine to control my heart rate.  Apparently my heart rate is high.  I won't bore you with details.  I have to have an ultrasound of my heart to make sure all the structures look good.  My heart tracing came back abnormal.  What a shock huh?  I have only been dealing with this for YEARS.  About 10 years to be exact. 

So beyond the ultrasound.. It has been said that there is a possibility of surgery.  Which is what my doctor is recommending to the next cardiologist that will take my case.  I do not like cardiologists because they assume due to my age it's just "symptomatic" and so they dismiss it. Well this isn't something they can dismiss.  And it's now affecting my life.  The surgery part... well it's a angio catheterization.  I'll cross that when I come to them.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 
Did you ever stop and wonder... realize.. that when you were younger you pictured yourself doing what you do now?  Did you ever think you would be where you are now?

Today I did a lot of self-reflection.  Not to be critical of myself, but more for the fact of memory.  I never would have thought I would have a daughter.  Truth is, I never planned on having any children.  I guess God had more mapped out for me than I thought.  Honestly, I never thought I'd make a good wife.  I had this image I'd be this single woman for life who would be obsessed with a career and have a non-existent social life.  I never saw myself being a good partner to anyone.  I always thought marriage was for everyone else.  Because I saw how some of my friends.. my parents.. my grandparents... how they struggled through their marriages.   How they dealt with some problems wonderfully and others not-so-well.  I always felt that there wasn't anyone patient enough or great enough to want to stay with me that long.  I had so many people that walked away... faded away.. and even lost along the way.  We all have.  I know that.  Gratefully I am blessed with my husband.  Who has found that investing the rest of his life to me, was worth it. 

My daughter, I always took care and helped other people's children.  I've attended so many deliveries I've lost count.  I've brought other people's children into this world.  I've cared for other people's children in the intensive care unit.  I always believed I was destined to do that for life.  Never for my own.  Laura changed that for me.  You could have all the medical knowledge to care for, treat and heal children... but all that changes with your own.  I never thought I'd be a good mom.  I still question it even now.  If I do the right thing?  Making the right decisions for her?  Making her life better.... I know everything I do affects both my husband and my daughter.  Some days I feel that I don't do that very well.  Other days, I feel empowered somehow.  By the grace of God, I know that I need to remember that I am a mom...

When I was pregnant with her I used to wake up in the morning and remind myself that I was pregnant.  Ironic, I could feel her moving or kicking... and I'd still need to mentally remind myself.  When she was born, OH... I needed to remind myself that I was a mom.  That she needed to be cared for... and not in the sense of a doctor or nurse caring for a baby, but the way a mother's love cares for their child. 

I know where I am is the right place.  It was meant for me.  I'm blessed all the time.  Every day.  I wouldn't change any of this for anything.  I love being mom.  That's exactly what it is... MOM.... that's my first full time job.  There are no set hours.. I am always on-call and I'm always there.  My heart and soul is in it.  I'm a wife.  I am always there for my husband, I am the cheerleader and the supporter.  Both of those... are my life.  When I was young.. I wanted to be a nurse or a doctor when I "grew up".  I never heard anyone of my friends say "yeah, I want to be a parent.. I want to be a mom."  Honestly, I'm glad I'm mom.  Laura's mom.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 
As we are so wonderfully done with each other 
We can walk into our separate sleep
On floors of music where the milkwhite cloak of childhood

Oh my love, my golden lark, my soft long doll
Your lips have splashed my dull house with print of flowers
My hands are crooked where they spilled over your dear

It is good to be weary from that brilliant work
It is being God to feel your breathing under me

A waterglass on the bureau fills with morning.....
Don't let anyone in to wake us
By Kenneth Patchen

Sunday, November 02, 2008 
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Thursday, November 20, 2008 

I have to say I'm devastated and relieved at the same time.  After 14 years of being a part of my family....  Katie passed away today.  She had been suffering from kidney failure and we felt it was time.  She was a very loyal chow and friend.  She was strong to the end.... I miss her so much right now.... and yes I am crying but  she's not hurting anymore.... and she's better and with my other dog Spanky.  Thank you for being understanding.  :)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 
Hi to everyone.  I wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy Holiday season.

As another year passes it gives me time to be extremely thankful for my life, health and family.  My friends are always a big part of my life... :)  A lot has happened this year for me and I'm grateful that everything thus far has been nothing short of miraculous.  I've gained some new friends and lost a couple on the way... My heart still reaches out to the people and my dogs that have passed on .... This year for Christmas will be harder because Katie is not with us.... Goodness knows I think of her a lot.  Hold on to those around you, and create many new memories to share :)   

I wanted to say... Happy Holidays to you and your families. Have a safe New Year... :)  To all my friends and family.. I want to thank you for being there for me when I needed you more than ever.  As always, you never failed me.  Merry Christmas.

"So for tonight we pray for what we know can't be
and every day we hope for what we still can't see
it's up to us to be the change
and even though we ought can still do more...
there's so much to be thankful for"
~Josh Groban~

Tuesday, January 06, 2009 

The new semester is coming.. oh yay.

I have to take a few history classes which I didn't have to take last time.  But with my Carl majoring in history (two degrees in history-assoc. and bachelors plus teaches history) I think he can help me :)  I also have to take some sort of oral communication class (another 2 degrees Carl has).  That too I didn't have to take the last time around.  Mind you that I've not done this since 1999.  So it's been 10 years.  I guess a lot has changed since then.  (I feel old). 

Anyhow, we had a good Christmas and Laura had a great birthday on January 1st.  I am quite relieved that the Holiday season is now over... and we don't have to do it again until next year.  Although, Laura believes it should be Christmas every day... what a Groundhog Day nightmare would be.  Hugs to all.


Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
     - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749 - 1832

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 

Current mood:  blessed
Well nervous and scared doesn't even begin to cover the spectrum of feelings I have.  Wow.  Overwhelmed is more like it.  I haven't done this in so long.  I was the teacher not long ago... and now I am about to embark on a journey that will take me further than I ever imagined.  As I enter the world of forensic anthropology I am apprehensive and yet this excursion will be one of my most exciting.  As I've remarked before in my previous entries... I am grateful for all the support by my friends and family.  My husband said he will do all he can for me.  I supported him through his bachelors (both of them) and his Masters in education.  I on the other hand, oh if I could only open up my heart to show everyone just how scared I truly am.  I think it's more of the unknown.  We are uneasy about the unknown.  I think that's a natural human reaction.  If we weren't, we wouldn't be human. 


Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.
     - Alan Alexander Milne, 1882 - 1956  -author of Winnie the Pooh

Thursday, January 22, 2009 

Current mood:not feeling well

I think i vented a few blogs ago about parents sending their kids to school sick when both the child and parent should know better... Well this one takes the cake.  Not only was my classroom at near boiling temperature, but the one person who is sick has to sit next to me.  And she's sneezing..I should have been forewarned when she walked into the class with a box of kleenex.  Oh, just my luck.  So it's a great wonder why this morning I woke up with a sore throat and a head cold?!?!  Wow will biological wonders NEVER cease.  Not only does the warm room breed bacteria but the woman next to me couldn't seem to cover her mouth!!?!?!  Okay, I know I'm a germ freak.. can't blame me... but for the love of all that's holy, please stay home!!!!

I feel like this is de ja vu.. why???? Well I got sick right before Christmas, and I was sick during the new year when Laura's birthday came around.. YUK.. so here I go again.. this time.. I can't miss class, so I have to go when I'm sick.. LOVELY!...

Monday, January 26, 2009 
Love's Trinity

Soul, heart, and body, we thus singly name,

Are not in love divisible and distinct,

But each with each inseparably link'd.

One is not honour, and the other shame,

But burn as closely fused as fuel, heat, and flame.

They do not love who give the body and keep

The heart ungiven; nor they who yield the soul,

And guard the body. Love doth give the whole;

Its range being high as heaven, as ocean deep,

Wide as the realms of air or planet's curving sweep

Alfred Austin

Thursday, January 29, 2009 

The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot
grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet
swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by
the better angels of our nature. - Abraham Lincoln, Inaugural
address, 4 March 1861

Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other but by how many
times you reach each other.
     - Cathy Morancy

We may fail of our happiness, strive we ever so bravely; but we are less likely
to fail if we measure with judgment our chances and our
     - Agnes Repplier, 1855 - 1950

There is a woman at the begining of all great things.
     - Alphonse
Marie Louis de Lamartine
, 1790 - 1869

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a
     - Richard Bach

The work will teach you how to do it.
     - Estonian proverb

A heart that loves is always young.
     - Greek proverb

1 of 2 for past entries from blog on myspace

Hi. I'm doing this specifically for a friend who cannot access myspace. That's primarily where I blog. But I will try to keep up in both places. This first entry will be quite lengthy as I'm including just about everything I've blogged in the last couple of years... Thank you for being patient.

January 19, 2006

I have been up with Laura Cate since 5am.  Although in the begining I admit I was a bit tired, I am quite happy she did.  I was able to watch her play while getting some things done.

She is so much fun even just watching her.  I still feel blessed to have her in my life.  As I watch the news regarding this little girl here that was abused to death.  Her body was cast into a dumpster as if she was nothing.  I think about that and almost want to cry out of compassion and empathy.  Maybe that makes me a weak human being.  I am human and compassion is something I have always had an abundance of.  I think what angers me in some way is that I have spent the majority of my adult life I have been trying to save children's lives.  I became certified with the national Safe Kids campaign to install car seats for parents (which I still do) and teach them how to keep their children safe. 

Sometimes we always get so enveloped with our own lives that we do not really take a moment to see how others are doing.  In my past experiences I have found that talking to someone else (such as my brother last night) my small issues find their own resolutions.  But in some way I do believe we are all looking for some sort of resolve in our lives. At one point in my past I was seaching for an absolution. waiting for something to come.  Except I was permitting some aspects of my life to pass me by. 

I do believe that we should never look back in our lives and regret not doing something.  Such as taking that last chance or that job or just with life.  I can honestly say that I don't regret a thing in this life.  I have taken so many chances. I think I am more thankful I had those chances in this life.

Friday, January 20, 2006 

Current mood:  good

Nights seem to be getting more and more sleepless.  But, I did sleep.  That's okay.  Laura sleeps better than I do.  She can climb the stairs now.  It's quite exciting!  Although, I bought a baby gate that doesn't work with stairs so... I have to return it and get a different one. 

My brother was supposed to come for dinner last night, and I have to admit I am pretty sad he didn't come.  I have a deep love for my brother.  I confess I was very excited to know I would have a chance to see him.  Maybe in some way I feel fortunate that he was coming to see "me".

I think I have phased out of the semi-depression I was in for a bit.  Because I woke up this morning and feel better.  I think I am going to have a good day.  I feel lighthearted.  I will be spending most of the day with my daughter.  (whom I must admit is still terrorizing my beagle, she thinks it's hillarious!)

Current mood:  touched

I am sorry for writing this. I know in the way it will make me feel better. 

 I understand differences are what make us who we are.  I know sometimes it is difficult to rationalize something in your brain.  We as humans want to understand.  

I am at an impass with my husband. We have had problems on and off for a few months now.  I think what bothers me most that I cannot overlook is the issue that he is not a clean and neat person.  He does not take responsiblity for his actions and he makes a myriad of excuses as to why he does not do things. To get him to clean something is nothing short of a miracle.  I am not raising two children although at the end of the day I must admit I am quite drained in every way possible.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. I can only do so much, but I can't do everything.  

I don't think that he realizes how much I do besides taking care my daughter.  I know that being married takes patience.  I have had a lot in the last two years.  I honestly can say I've done everything humany possible to stay here.  And yet, I find myself wanting more than what I have.  I know that's probably natural human nature.  We all face that at one time or another.. What really gets me now is that these problems were never solved.  The one thing I DO NOT do is fight in front of my daughter.  He wants everything his way.  He is spoiled.  His family did that to him.  I am the independent one.  I am down to earth and I am the "no nonsense" type of girl.  I get it done. 

I hope one day I can walk away from this learning something.  Whether it is to recognize the mistakes made or to be more careful in dating.  Although, I have found statistically speaking there aren't too many men who are waiting at the chance to date a woman who already has a child..  Which is sad, because in my mind, it's their loss and my gain.  But truth being what it is, I need space to breathe for a while. 

Thanks for listening......


Tuesday, January 24, 2006 

Current mood:  calm

I begin with a yawn.  This  night fell upon me faster than some.  More because some of my day was lost to my work. 

I am excited that spring is going to grace itself with it's presence very soon.  Winter is my favorite time of year, but I do enjoy spring.  It is almost as if spring breathes life back into the earth.  As if mother nature was to command everything to awaken from the cold slumber.  To cast a warmth, not only on the earth but in one's heart.  To hear the melodies of the birds and sleepy flowers awaken to a beautiful morn.  This is a good time to plant tulips and such as the bitter frost is no more and the bulbs have a chance to take root in the soil.  I love the spring.  It is warm enough to enjoy nature as it has been given to us all this time.  To dance in the garden.  The days become longer and I love watching the sun set on a warmer night.  The transitions are more noticiable and so very enchanting.  I absolutly love when the light gives way to the dark and the stars peek with their brilliance and the moon it's soft luminous glow.  I can watch the stars for hours. 

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart."  ~Hellen Keller~

E Sara (it shall be)


Wednesday, January 25, 2006 

Current mood:  thankful

I started today with a few goals to accomplish.  I did get them done.  Not in the "timely" manor that I had mapped out.  Realizing sometimes you have to stop and slow time down so you can enjoy what you have.  I came upon a park that I have to say I fell in love with!  It is the natural wildlife preserve/wetlands park.  It is part of the main wash here.  After the water is treated it goes to the lake here.  But this park, it has the most amazing walking path.  I took Laura with me and we went 1.7 miles and we stopped to watch the water rush by us.  She loved it... and I have to say it was such a beautiful day and I did enjoy myself.  It was very peaceful and serene.  I believe that we all need to take a moment and take in what is around us.  I think I lost sight of having my own adventures sometimes.  Although I am a mother, I also need to be a teacher and an adventurer myself.  :)  I had a great time today.  I discovered something new, enjoyed the walk (because I do like to take long walks), and listened to the water pass by.  (I admit I'm attracted the the water!  very relaxing)  I feel like as if a sense of renewal was in order.  I will go back and take pictures and have to post them. 


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us"   ~Hellen Keller~

Thursday, January 26, 2006 

Current mood:  content

The sun hasn't peeked over the mountain yet.  My little one is not feeling well.  She has a leaky nose and she is slightly congested.  I moved her to the living room because her stroller was in the house.  I laid a blanket in there and then set her in it at a 45 degree angle and she's sleeping comfortably.  I guess somewhere medical school paid off.  I also gave her some Dimatapp and some Pedia-Care for the congestion and cough.  Seems to be working because she's sleeping peacefully.  I am thankful for the knowledge I have to heal her just as I have many other children.  I admit, I worry more about my baby, but it doesn't make those other children less important.  Right now it is about keeping her rested so her body has a chance to heal. 

"Medicine is so broad a field, so closely interwoven with general interests, dealing as it does with all ages, sexes and classes, and yet of so personal a character in its individual appreciations, that it must be regarded as one of those great departments of work in which the cooperation of men and women is needed to fulfill all its requirements."  ~Elizabeth Blackwell M.D.~   First woman doctor in the U.S. and in Great Britain.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 

Current mood:  exhausted

I am not feeling good today.  It has been like this since yesterday.  I have aquired what it was my daughter bestowed upon me.  I am so physically tired.  I think what this has transpired is a head cold of some kind.  Although I have to say that this "head cold" is really making me very weak.  Laura is doing much better.  She is over her upper respiratory infection.  She is back to her almost normal self.  She has a bit of a leaky  nose.  Otherwise she is just right as rain.  I cannot think of anything profound to say..  so I will leave with this...


"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit"  ~Hellen Keller~

Monday, February 06, 2006 

Current mood:  calm

I am having a good day.  My brother James is here relaxing with me.  I got to play a few games on the XBox360.  Laura is feeling much better and she spent the day with my dad.  They went to the park and had lunch together.  I haven't really slept the last few nights.  I admit it has been hard for me because Laura is going through a growth spurt again.  She is eating like crazy.  But that's good.  I want her to be healthy.  I haven't slept well, but it is worth it for me. 

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.

~William Shakespeare~

Thursday, February 09, 2006 

Current mood:  content

Hi All!

Sorry it's been a few days.  My job and my daughter have kept me quite busy.  She is starting to become braver and braver with her steps.  She is not quite walking... but she gives it her all!    I want her to do that throughout her whole life.  Give it all she has. 

The few things that I tell people in this life is always take chances.  You never know where they will take you.  It could be one the greatest adventures of your life.  Just because one door closes doesn't mean that there aren't 1,000 more opening for you.  This is the one that I truly live by is:  never look back in your life and regret not doing something. 

I honestly don't have any regrets in my life.  I am happy I did it all!  I've learned something from everything I have ever done.  I always walk away from some adventure or experience learning more.

I have been watching home movies my mother transfered from VHS to DVD.  I cannot believe how life has changed.  I see my grandmother and my Aunt Joan (my dad's sister. died 2000 at the age of 45 due to cancer) and I cannot believe they aren't here.  I miss them so much.  Especially my Grandmother.  She wasn't alive when Laura was born.  She died in 2001.  It's almost been 5 years.  I miss her more than ever.  But I am TRULY THANKFUL that my parents took these movies so my daughter can see who her great grandmother was and what a wonderful spirit and soul she had while she was with us on this earth.   

Just on a side  note, my heart is bothering me today.  My heartbeat is really iritable.  But for those of you who don't know... I have been contendingwith this for the last 10 years.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure."     ~Hellen Keller~

Thursday, February 23, 2006 

Current mood:  creative

So, my daughter is no longer a baby.  She is now walking constantly! YAH!  Anyhow, she is still a bit wobbly, but she's learning.  She squat to pick up her toys and walk away.  She is so proud of herself!   I am slightly sad that Matthew is leaving us in March, but I know it is for the best and it makes him happy!   GO MATTY!!! YAY!  Love you for life! 

That's about it.  Thanks..


Monday, March 13, 2006 

So, as it goes... everything went well this weekend.  My daughter has recieved a visit from the tooth fairy.  Not in the way you would think.. more or less she has 4 new molars AND she is getting all four of her eye (vampire) teeth.  Oh, she is cranky most of the time because of it, but she is still cute!  I am going to check out a private school that teaches infants to pre-k on March 22.  I want to get her in, I am sure there is a waiting list.  Anyhow, Matthew leaves this Saturday.  I am so sad.  I know that he is going to be better off without all the drama of his family.  I love him so much.  I had my hands in raising him too.  He is an outstanding person.  I know he will do great things in this life.  Although it is a shock to me and I will miss him... I am going to go visit him in September! So I have something to look forward to.  Plus he will be back in June to get the rest of his belongings.  He is SO worth the wait! Hugs to you Matty!  I love you with all my heart!  And of course we have to call each other and dish!



Thursday, March 16, 2006 

Current mood:  relaxed

My brother and I were talking just now, and there are some things I want to say to Matthew ....


James and I wish you the best.  We don't look at it as saying goodbye.  And goodbyes are not forever.  We see it as you starting your life anew.  This is a chance to start with a clean slate and live life with what innocence you have left.  Always remain a child at heart.  It will keep you young in this life.  Never look back at your life and regret not doing something.  Always take the chances, no matter what the outcome may be, it will always be worth the dance.  You can do anything you want with your life.  Whatever that may be, we want you to be happy doing it.  Follow your heart always.  It can never lead you down the wrong path.  Always listen to what your heart tells you.  Love, is an element  you can always make more of.  You can get it from everyone and if you need more there is always an endless fountain of it with us.  We love you forever, for life.  Whenever you feel as if you aren't loved, call us...  we can give you more when you need it.  We will always be here for you, through everything in your life.  Good, bad and all the other things in between.  You are always going to be part of our family.  You always have a place to come home to.  We know that you will be happier there.  James and I are coming to visit you in September.  That gives us all something to look forward to. 

Thank you Matty for being there for me.  There isn't a word in any language that I can tell you how much I love you.  I love you like you are my own son, my family.  We have bond that no one can break.  You will always be in my heart....  Good luck in Oklahoma.  Lots of hugs!

Love forever,


Tuesday, April 25, 2006 

Current mood:  ecstatic

So if you haven't read the title, I bought plane tickets to Tulsa, OK for September so I can go see Matthew!!!  I'm comming Matty!  Anyhow, Laura is doing well.  Today she helped me take the groceries out of their bags and run to the living room with all of her pilfered goods!  Little does she know that cheese doesn't stay good without the help of a refridgerator.  Ah well...She got her second haircut, which she didn't really appreciate.  But overall we had a good day.  I bought the movie Chronicles of Narnia today and I saw the movie Silent Hill this past weekend.  Yikes, what a odd movie that was (thanks Matty).  That's about all the news.  Thanks.


"Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory." ~Leonardo da Vinci~

Monday, May 15, 2006 


Today marks a 5 year anniversary that my Grandmother went home to God.  Although my heart is still very sad without her, I know I will see her again.  I know she looks in on Laura from time to time.  I miss her so so much!

Well the brighter side of life is: I enrolled at UNLV to go back to school in the fall.  YAY ME!  I have a lot of paperwork to fill out!  Oh yikes! 

Still can't make it through the day without getting into some type of argument with Carl.  I suppose the need to be "right" dominates his life so much.  I honestly don't care who is right or who wants control, as long as it gets done or it is successful. 

That's it...



Everything that grows holds in perfection but a moment.   William Shakespeare, 1564 - 1616

Monday, May 22, 2006 

Well here I am again!  Actually it's a absolute beautiful day outside.  It cooled to around 70ish and we are going to get thunderstorms.  I love thunderstorms.  Anyhow... Laura cate can say "this" and "mamma"  I almost cried this morning when she was on the kitchen counter (clean of course) and I was taking dishes out of the dishwasher and she said "mamma"! Oh goodness she is getting big.  She has picked up this word "naah" but I am not sure what it means yet.  We are almost not using bottles anymore! YAYAYAYAY!  We have almost completly transitioned to a sippy cup!  OH THANK THE GODS!    There is a light at the end of that feeding tunnel.  Anyhow.. Im going to go.  I am going to take Laura Cate to the park and my beagle (he needs the exercise huh Matty?!).  I will catch you all later. 



"This grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere: the dew is never all dried at once: a shower is forever falling, vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal sunset, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."
     - John Muir, 1838 - 1914

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 

Well everyone... I went to the quick care here.... and I have acute bronchitis/walking pneumonia.  I finally gave in and after a week and a half of being sick.  Other than that, Laura is doing fine and she finally doing much better!  She got her last eye tooth.  YAY!  I am on a whole load of drugs!  Anyhow I am sleepy and I am going to bed... Hugs to all.


Speak the truth in a million voices. it is silence that kills.
     - Catherine of Siena, 1347 - 1380

Sunday, June 04, 2006 

I had a dream last night about my grandmother.  And though it was not a profound dream, I have not been able to dream of her since her death 5 years ago.  I miss her.  She was enchanting.  The pain in my heart still reminds me it is there.  She had a profound affect on everyone's lives.  I typically don't remember my dreams, but I do remember this one.  I heard her voice as clear as day and she was talking and laughing!  It was Christmas at my parent's house (favorite time of year) and all my family was there and we were getting along.  Maybe she was telling me she is fine and happy now that God has taken her home... I am not really sure.  And though tears well up into my eyes, I know that I will see her again...  I do take comfort in that.  She is where she should be.  Just as I am where I should be. 

Anyhow, I am going to go.. Laura just successfully dumped all the books from  her bookshelf onto the stairs!


Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with the shades of deeper meaning.
     - Bertha Flowers

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 

Current mood:  calm

Hi everyone and Im sorry it has been a bit.  I went to California on June 23rd and 3 days into the trip I started getting sick.  It was hard to breathe.  So I presented myself to an emergency room there in California.  They ran some tests and found out I have pneumonia.  But they gave me some medicine and I finished my trip.  (I had my baby the whole time.  So I come back and I am still not feeling well.  I start feeling exhausted and very weak.  So Monday July 3rd I decide to go to an urgent care. They too do some blood work for my white cell count and another x-ray to look at my lungs.  The doctor tells me I need to admit you to the hospital, because you are not getting better and your heart rate is so high.  So I was transferred to another ER.  When I got to the hospital they had no beds so I was held in the ER.  I was admitted to one of the ICU rooms of the ER. I was then connected to a CR (cardiorespiratory) monitor.  Which basically is all these wires leading from you to the monitor to measure heart rate, oxygen saturation, breathing rate, blood pressures etc.  I had a lot of tests there as well including blood gas, CT scan of my chest to make sure I didnt have a blood clot in my lungs.  So after that was said and done I received more medicine and I have the pneumonia still, but on top of that I have asthma induced bronchitis. Yes you can have both at the same time.  I was released from the hospital July 4th in the morning.   


Amid all of that I am feeling much better.  I am blessed because throughout all of that my mom, dad and brother really came through by helping me take care of my daughter.  Thank you very much.  I cannot express that enough to any of you.


I am excited to see you soon Matty!  I cant wait to hug you again!  I so miss you much.  You are the best!  I will try to pick up the book while you are here so I get the right one.  


I will write you all later. It is starting to rain and I can hear the thunderstorm coming!

I have been quite busy.  Matthew came and went.  I had such fun with him while he was here.  We went to Disneyland (which I hadn't been in over 13 years) what a great time we had there!  Then we went to the Santa Monica pier (my most favorite place in the whole world).  I love the sound of the carousel music and the relaxing and soothing sound of the waves of the beach.  I haven't been back in about 3 years, but things change so frequently there I am almost inclined to go back more often.  The surf was AWESOME!  The waves were just outstanding.  Not sure what storm system was bringing them in, but tide creeped up on my kind of quickly and what went from wading in the water went to swiming up to my waist in water!  But it was so much fun and watching Matthew and his cousins having fun, it was great.  We all got sunburned.  The next day we went to Hermosa beach and the pier.  I remember why I liked the seashore area!  The weather was great and cool!  And I love the water! 

I was sad to see Matthew go.... but I will be flying out to see him in a few weeks.  I am having surgery on Friday.... yep .. having wisdom teeth out.  I am being put to sleep!  It will take a bit to recover but no problems.  I realized in one month.. I will be celebrating my 31st year!  Last year I had a bit of a hard time turning 30, but this time I am okay with it. :)

Every sorrow suggests a thousand songs, and every song recalls a thousand sorrows, and so they are infinite in number, and all the same.
     - Marilynne Robinson

Friday, September 08, 2006 

Yesterday I was driving home and I saw a rainbow in the distance.  I haven't seen one in quite some time and I was taken back by the simplicity of it.  Yes we could explain it away with science and take away it's whimsy but ... I see it as one of God's gifts... to slow down and take it in. 

Anyhow... I got back from Oklahoma and survived.  Although I was basically eaten alive by the mosquitos.  Matthew has a new daughter and she is cute as ever!  Oh... Anyhow.. I had a good time and of course my daughter missed me as I missed her... She is still my greatest gift. 

That's about it...

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.  James Matthew Barrie, 1860 - 1937

I am sorry it has been so long since I have done this.  Some days seems never ending, and other days I never want to end.  My daughter and I went to Los Angeles.  It was her first time.  I took her to Venice beach and to the L.A. Zoo and the Grand Canals.  She had lots of fun. I took lots of pictures.  Some I will post here soon. 

We went and visted some family and we revisted houses and places remembered.  I miss it for the culture and the weather.  I don't miss the traffic but my heart will always be there.  I will probalby return when my wee one is older. I think.  I miss the ocean most of all.  I love the sound the smell and the tranquility!  My daughter loved playing in the sand... :) 

My daughter really likes Little Einsteins.  She likes the introduction and the classical music they play.  She is very smart.  She picks up concepts very fast.  But I want her to be a child for as long as she can.  I took her to the park yesterday and she had so much fun.

Matthew may be coming after Christmas!  I have to tell you I am absolutly excited about that idea!  I miss him so much.  And I can tell you so do my dogs!  He is such a joy to have.  I hope you can come Matthew.. everyone wants to see you!

We all live under the same sky, but we don't have the same horizon.
     - Konrad Adenauer, 1876 - 1967

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 

I recently had the opportunity to re-connect with a friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in some time.  About 10 years.  We found whe had some similar experiences in our lives since not speaking.  We both are parents now and we both feel we are living a great adventure.  :) 

I am very happy I can finally call and talk to someone whom is a parent such as myself and talk about things about my daughter and our past.  We work in the same field of pediatrics.

James, thanks for searching for me.  I am glad that you are my friend again.  I hope this time we can stay in contact with each other longer than last time.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006 

Current mood:  discontent

Hi everyone,

Life has been a bit hectic lately.  I feel as if the holidays are creeping up on me faster than I saw coming.  It seems to me as if we just ended Christmas of last year... Sometimes my energy reserves are depleted.  Like today.  Physically I am exhausted.  Usually I am full of energy.  I have so much left to do.  I am sure we all feel like this about this time of year. 

I think I had too much on my plate today.  Emotionally I feel I am somewhat drained... I know that's probably bad.  I caught myself almost losing my temper with my daughter.  I am usually a relativly calm person.. I am not sure what it was that caught me off my guard.  I think every parent faces that at some point or another.  I had to step back and take a few deep breaths....

Today I had breakfast with my Grandfather.  He and I were discussing my Grandmother.  My heart became so sad.  I so miss her even now.  They say "that pain will go away" I think what my biggest sadness is that she didn't get to see Laura born.  I know she's with me even now... but my heart wants to see her again...I saw her six hours before she died and God took her home so suddenly. 

I never told a soul this, but a few years ago before Laura was born I was drawing a bath and I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.  I knew it was my Grandmother.  I knew she was there with me.  My grandfather said today "I know she was, I believe she was." It brings tears to my eyes because I miss her so....

Today it seems if my family was somewhat against me.  I don't think it was a big plot or anything of that nature, I just think we caught each other on off days... Seriously.  It seems that everyone had a different agenda when I feel they should have come together.  I sometimes feel I am the messenger for many people and feel that I need someone to lean on... and that's hard for me because I am so independent.  I almost have to be.  Even then I know life isn't as perfect as I want my utopian society to be. 

I suppose in the paragraph above I seem like I whine a bit.  I am truly not.  I just find myself a bit lost today.  I seem to be wandering aimlessly by myself.  In some way I kind of wish I had more help than I do.  I know we all have lives.  And honestly I don't want to bother anybody (my friends and family) by calling them either.  It seems that's I do.  My friends have lives too and I understand that.  Sometimes we get so busy that we can't slow down for one another.  Okay so maybe I sound selfish, but this may be my way of dealing with some of this.  I am not sure.  And truly I am not usually like this.  I am usually pretty positive and happy.  Today... it's just the opposite... I need to go cry a while...

Thanks for listening....Until next time..


 If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.
     - George MacDonald, 1824 - 1905

 The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us, and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
     - George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), 1819 - 1880


Tuesday, November 21, 2006 

Current mood:  calm

I was going through the house and realized today I had too many things.  So as I saw things I did not use or did not have a use for... I put it in boxes and will give it to people who need it moreso than I do. 

In some way I believe that I am organizing my life... I am always cleaning.  That's a given.  In some way I was cleaning my soul.  Concluding I had too many things in my posession.  I do like helping others.  At one point I thought it was one of my biggest downfalls.  Now I think that it's not so bad.  But then again, I finally like who I am. 

I didn't for a long time.  I never accepted myself for who I was.  Thinking I could be perfect.  Then traveling down a path I must have figured out along the way...I am human.  I wasn't made perfect.  I don't think that makes me broken... but I have a lot to learn.   I am making changes slowly.  I want to be all I can for my family and for my daughter.

As the Thanksgiving holiday in a couple of days away.. I am blessed to be with my family this year.  I am excited.  Laura Cate is showing me a new light for this season.  I see things through her eyes as she is awe-inspired with the decorated trees and all the other things around her.  I think I feel rejuvinated because of this.  So hence I feel blessed.

Thanks for listening,




"I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude that the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?"  ~Unkown~

"Roads are for journeys not destinations" ~Unknown~

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. "

Friday, July 27, 2007 

Current mood:  exhausted

Well everyone.. hope all is ok.  I am still standing and still breathing.  I've been working a lot at the hospital.  It's been a bit crazy but nothing I can't handle :) 

I went to Northern Cali for a week and it was absolutly BEAUTIFUL!  Oh.. I went to San Fransisco and went to my favorite store on Fisherman's Warf.  It's the Fairy store.. I bought a mobile there before Laura was born and she has it hanging in her room.. The weather was AWESOME.. never got above 80.  I took lots of pictures :) 

We went to Santa Cruz boardwalk and Matty and I rode one of the oldest wooden roller coasters on the west coast.  That was a RUSH!  I had a great time... We went to Capitola beach which is just south of New Brighton Beach.. oh how beautiful. 

We had a good time splashin in the water, it was a bit cold, but Laura had a good time playing in the sand :)  That was about the time the jelly fish started washing up on the shore.. and we left.  I just didn't want her to step on one by accident :) 

Laura got to visit the farm, and she LOVED the cows!  She just couldn't quite understand why they were so big in real life but so small on her Baby Einstein video!  :)  She liked the sheep, chickens and pigs.. She had a great time!

She liked riding on the train into San Fransisco!  We took a baby bullet commuter train into the city with her.. she loved that part!  We passed by the Giants AT&T Statium :)

I have pictures I will post.

On another note: My dad had is biopsy.. and it still indicates cancer.. :*( He has to have another one in two weeks and that will tell us whether it's localized or not and we'll know what to do after that.  So for those of you.. please pray for us. :)


Friday, November 09, 2007 

I can't believe it's after 11pm and I am still not in bed.  Typical.  I can't remember the last time I was in bed before 1 or 2 in the morning.  I think that comes with being a parent, friend and daughter. 

I started my day by going to physical therapy.  For those of you who didn't hear... I fell and did some damage to my left knee.  I went to search for a holy grail-type birthday present for my mother, which obviously didn't work out as I cannot find anything for her.  She says she's not hard to shop for, but I believe she is.  At some point in the middle of my day I managed to eat and thank God that the guy behind me stopped and didn't hit my car.  I am still dealing with the accident from August.  I did however, manage to buy some presents for Laura for her birthday and of course Christmas (that's coming faster than I can count). 

I am watching TV while writing this.  I find myself eating dinner (chicken soup, good stuff!) before midnight.  That's a big plus.  That's even if I manage to eat dinner.  But... as I think about all the negative that happened in my day I think of this..... I wouldn't trade the moments I just had laying next to my daughter watching Dragon Tales and singing... as we walked through Tuesday Morning (store) we were saying the "hush wish" from Sprout Goodnight Show...

"Hush, Hush, little fish, we are here to make a wish, we close our eyes and then we start, to make a wish with all our hearts."

From there we sung the goodnight song.. (in the middle of the afternoon mind you and of course all the people in the store thought we were crazy.. me and my Laura) "Hey, okay we had another fantastic day and now it's time to say... Goodnight, because we've got places to go, bubbles to blow, stories to share and dreams to grow... Goodnight.. Goodnight.. Goodnight........

I also wouldn't trade the snuggle moments on the couch we had earlier.... and I can't really remember my life without Laura in it... Yes, it's crazy when my day starts at 6am and ends after midnight... but ... then again.... I wouldn't trade it for anything at all.......because she truly is the most wonderful gift I've ever been given.    I can't top that.....

I also want to say to my sister: dear.. never worry... I'm always here for you too!  I will try my best to do what I can for you... Thank you for all your advice today...I never realized how much people really need to just sit down and talk from their heart... and we all should.. sometimes we get so wrapped up in life we forget what brought us all together in the first place.  I lost sight of that, and you reminded me of that..  Thank you!

To all of you out there... it's important to remember to tell the people you love that you do love and care for them.... because you really don't know when you will see them again... it may be the last moment... always remember if they are your friends... you aren't bothering them... just call them once in a while to catch up and talk.. it will make you feel better..

So Goodnight....

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.
     - Thomas Fuller, 1608 - 1661

For when the One Great Scorer comes
  to mark against your name,
He writes - not that you won or lost
  - but how you played the Game.
     - Grantland Rice, 1880 - 1954

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